Conversational Control is made up of two different kinds of tactics. Arcing up, where someone is 'at you' or Arcing Down, where someone 'turns away' from you. There are three columns, the Arcing up Column and the Arcing Down Column. Where we need to be to connect is in the Middle Column. A person wanting to control the conversation will avoid the Middle Column and maintain control by switching between Arcing Up and Arcing Down tactics, which is an unfair and adversarial way to have a conversation.
Conversational control involves the misuse of arcing up or arcing down tactics to either sidestep, dominate, or disrupt dialogue, which is crucial for healthy relational functioning. The middle column represents the ideal state, where conversations promote safety, fairness, and equal participation, fostering connection, teamwork, and maturity. In contrast, the 'Arcing Up' and 'Arcing Down' columns illustrate dysfunctional conversational patterns focused on winning or controlling the exchange. These patterns can escalate into emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse. When Conversational Control reaches a high level, it creates an environment that is not only unfair but also abusive, lying at the core of Coercive Control. Understanding these dynamics is essential for recognizing and addressing unhealthy relationship patterns.
What are Conversational Rights, Conversational Equality and Conversational Control?
Conversations are so important because they are what form and then maintain a relationship with our partners. However, when these conversations are not fair or are disrespectful, at least most of the time, the relationship tips from being equal to unequal and, at the higher end of the spectrum, can even be abusive.
​
Many relationships are not necessarily 'abusive' but are not benefiting both people to the same extent. That is because some conversations are being controlled by one person in a patterned way. It may be unconscious due to poor role modelling, or it can be very conscious and intentional. Either way, one partner will likely feel disrespected and confused about what is happening.
​
​
Conversational Rights mean that a person has the right to be treated with fairness and respect.
​
​
​
You have the right to an emotionally and psychologically safe attitude from the person you are conversing with.
You have the right to collaborative behaviour, to have equal input into the conversation, focus, and attention.
You have the right to the aim of the conversation to be productive with the opportunity to clarify, discuss, explore and disagree.
​
There are four scenarios further down of Conversational Control. In each of them, one person does not have their conversational rights respected enough to make the relationship emotionally intimate, connected, and safe.
Conversational Equality is essential if you want to have an equal relationship.
​
Where there is psychological and emotional safety, respect, patience, empathy, and assumed equality of rights.
​
Where there is mutual engagement, respectful and congruent body language, facial expressions, and verbal tone.
Where there is a productive conversation and it is kept on track. Different perspectives are acknowledged, with apologies given if needed.
​
This means the conversation would aim to come to a win/win outcome, that has taken into consideration both of your perspectives and is suitable for you both. ​
​
​​
Their conversational process is very different from somebody who wants an equal conversation.
They may pretend to have forgotten past discussions, shut down the conversation, or distort what is said for their benefit.
They could force you into an unwanted discussion or one that is circular, complicated, disrespectful, and unhelpful.
They will most likely refuse to resolve the issue and use blame, guilt-tripping, or confusing tactics.
​
Conversational Control is when one person ignores their partner's Conversational Rights.
​
​
Conversational Control means that one partner is not contributing to the conversation fairly and is, often without realising it, using different kinds of tactics to get their needs, but not their partner's. ​
​​
When this happens in a patterned manner it is also a stepping stone for abuse, such as Coercive Control.
Even if it doesn't become abusive, the relationship will be unequal and disconnected. There is overall disrespect in the relationship.
Image by Wynand van Poortvliet
Have a read of this flip book for further information.
Four Scenarios Of Conversational Control
For some further information on Dr Torna Pitman's research on Conversational Control and Coercive Control, please click on the links below:
​
1. PhD The Legacy of Domestic Violence 2010: How the dynamics of abuse continue beyond separation.
​
​
3.Engender Equality's YouTube Channel 2020: 10-part Video Series and Three-Minute Thoughtcasts on Conversational and Coercive Control
​
4.Australian Association Social Workers 2020: 'Let's Cut to the Chase. What we need to know about Conversational Control'.
​
5.ABC Radio North Tasmania 2020: Piia Wirsu interviews Torna, who explains why we need to understand conversational control and coercive control to combat domestic abuse.
​
6.Rule of Thumb Podcast 2021: Penny Terry with the Women's Legal Service Tasmania. Torna is featured in each episode of season two, discussing Coercive Control
​
7.Family Law Pathways Conference 2021: Watch Torna explaining the concepts of family violence and coercive control
​
8.The Trap Podcast 2021: A harm-prevention podcast for Domestic Abuse- hosted by Jess Hill from Victoria Women's Trust
​
